They did it. They really did it.
I want no advice or remedies. I just want to be heard.
If you could even find the fragments of my strength, they would be scattered and crushed. My heart has found a place in my throat and in my stomach. My eyes are crimson with tears.
I have, many of you know this, cancer, a cancer syndrome, neurological problems, intractable pain. Any one of these could kill me. Last night the so called leaders of this nation decided people like me can die. I will not call it anything else. I am not just expendable, I am a burden. One, not of my choosing. Laws said the bank I worked for, one of those “to big to fail”, could demand I apply for Social Security and Medicare, even after years of paying for disability and keeping health insurance. And now they have decided in double speak, that since I have a preexising condition, in a few years they can revoke it or send me into bankruptcy.
I am a liability. Never mind that accounting has nothing to do with math, real worth, or contributions not measured on a balance sheet. I fall on the wrong side of a ledger. I simply am no longer quite human.
I can’t go to my carcinoid groups today. I can’t face the fear of so many. I am wracked and wrecked with despair and a rage that has filled me with the an emptiness beyond being in a void. I want to physically lash out, I want to hurt something. I want relief. I want to be told I either matter, or have the fucking guts to give me a law to let me stop my medications and die. That is what they want after all. I want to stop the bullshit of prolife that only means pro fetus. After all , I am a 58 year old woman, which makes me in this world …invisible. An invisible nuisance. And the rage in me is building.
I give up. I just give up. I don’t know if my tears will ever end, for me, for my other cancer friends, others with chronic yet possibly fatal disease. A clock was started with this so called “healthcare bill”. That clock, sounds like a count down to the end of me.
So, I surrender, I give up.
I pray that a sudden devastating illness never comes to anyone. In America, when a chronic or serious illness comes, no insurance pays for everything. You will find that no matter your savings, no matter your income, bankruptcy always looms near. For many people they are one paycheck away from complete financial devastation. Unsure if your illness will allow you to keep working. Baffled at how much will fall apart no matter how careful you were to get all the right insurance. Truth is my parents had better insurance than I do or can even have.
To those who wanted this, I pray they never feel the full weight of what they have wrought. Because karma is truly a bitch.